Sing to me

It is one of those mornings when I am trying to get out of the house and am running late and trying to remember everything. My youngest is finally contained in her carseat and crying, my oldest is bopping around doing everything except getting ready and what I ask of her.  I hear my voice get harsh, my throat get tight.  I try to remind myself in these moments that this is not a crisis. This is not what a crisis looks like at all and everything is ok.  I do not need to overreact and get upset. My oldest has started acting like this, like me, getting worked up about very small things and I actually do say to her, “this is ok, we are ok, I’ll help you, this is not a crisis.” And she replies, “Yes, it is a crisis!”

Oh boy.

Back to this morning.  Even though I’ve told myself, we are not in the middle of a crisis, I have yet to calm the panic I feel in needing to get out the door NOW.  As I’m moving around getting things together I ask my daughter one more time to come over to me so I can zip her jacket and I hear myself say, “Why is this so difficult? Why aren’t you listening to me. What can we do to make this work?"  She replies, “You need to sing to me”. 

Stillness. Everything stopped in that moment and I melted.  Of course, sing to her. That is how I envisioned my life as a mother pre-parenthood. I really wanted to have children and imagined our beautiful life together. Learning, cuddling, loving and yes, singing through our days.  That was the movie of motherhood I had in my mind.

I smiled and laughed, and hugged her and started singing about brushing her teeth (a hauntingly, beautiful tune actually) things flowed smoothly and we got out the door. A wise daughter.

I’d like to say I don’t end up in crisis mode over menial details or my voice doesn’t get harsh when I’d prefer to speak calmly and lovingly, because I am still working that out. However, this moment, was a big one for me and a big reminder that although reality is different than the movie versions I used to play in my mind of motherhood, I need to keep my visions alive. I need to remember that we are creating this life together, my children, husband and I.  In our daily adventure, I am the director, I set the stage and call the shots.  My direction gives the nuance and flow  to the action. My crisis, becomes their crisis.  One day at a time, one moment at a time, I am trying to calm down and enjoy.