How is it with two?

I get this question a lot now that I’ve had my second child.  Most often from moms pregnant with their second, looking for some ray of hope that having a baby and a toddler could somehow be less difficult than being pregnant and having a toddler.  Fortunately, I can give them that, because for me, it is. 

I was a miserable pregnant woman.  My first pregnancy I was extremely morning sick with daily vomiting, food aversions, endless stomach issues, and general misery.  It got better as I was into my second trimester, but I never was a woman who loved being pregnant. I had SPD; body aches, and weight gain, all the normal things pushed to the limits. I was overjoyed to be growing a life, and in awe that my body knew how to do it, but I have always had body issues and struggled with my weight, so pregnancy was hard both physically and mentally. 

My second daughter’s birth was amazing and I felt greatly relieved to no longer be pregnant.  After a couple of months of healing and building back some basic strength, I was able to start exercising again and felt the high of being an individual with an autonomous body. (I say this loosely as I was still exclusively breastfeeding and had two children on me all day long, but when I can put them to bed and have just me, or I can go for a walk and feel the freedom and strength of my body again, I feel a deep sense of satisfaction.) 

While pregnant, I was gearing up for years of sleeplessness with a new baby. Our first didn’t sleep fully through the night (without waking to nurse) until she was about 18 months old.  With my first, I didn’t get more than a few hours at a time fro at least the first six months.  It was hard, really hard to be so sleep deprived.  She was a strong willed child. She amazed me with her will and the fever pitch of discomfort and anger she could reach when I tried all the suggestions from the endless sleep books I read to try and “train” her.  In the end, her hyperventilating tears and my poor heart couldn’t take it and we found our own rhythm and path.  Since 18 months she slept fully through the night without any problems, until my last trimester of pregnancy when she decided to aggressively self potty train, waking in the night so not to pee in her diaper as well as waking up afraid that there would be no place for her when the new baby arrived.

When the new baby arrived, she calmed down, and saw that we all still love her and her place in our family is secure.  She still wakes us more than the baby, as she has decided she needs to tell me when she wakes to use the bathroom, something she didn’t do for a year of independent bathroom trips in the night.  Or she needs her pj’s snapped at 3 in the morning, or lately, there are bears in her room.  I know all of this is her still adjusting to having a sibling. She is pretty good about telling me when she is jealous and that she needs “mommy time”.  “Mommy, put my sister to sleep, I need mommy time” is one of her common requests. 

Her sister is one of the babies I read about and didn’t believe existed.  A baby, who slept 4 and 5 hour stretches in the night at 4 weeks old, who routinely doesn’t wake at all now at 4 months, who falls asleep mostly on her own, and wakes up happy. She fusses minimally, smiles endlessly, goes a long for the ride, and is generally a fat and happy baby. 

If I’d had her first, I would probably not believe the parents who say their child doesn’t sleep or still HAS to nurse multiple times a night after 6 months. They must just not be doing something right.  I know there were parents who thought this about me when I said it just wasn’t working the first time around.  Having lived it, I know that isn’t the case.  

Having two daughters so different from one another makes it clear to me on a personal level that children are just different.  They need different things. 

I’ve wondered if because this is our second round, maybe we just know what to do and so she’s fallen in line much easier. Yes, in part this must be true, our family schedule was set for children and this influenced her schedule from the beginning. I was also more conscious of not rushing to her at every little noise the way I did with my first.  But, then again, my first’s noises were different and grew in intensity much quicker.  Her whole temperament was different.  She is an amazingly strong willed and intense little girl.  She was walking before her first birthday, speaking in paragraphs by her second, self potty trained shortly after, doesn’t let me forget a thing, and loves to run, jump, play, climb and be fully in everything.  When she was an infant she used to ball her hands up and shake her head and turn red when she was frustrated. She didn’t cry, she just wanted something so intensely and that was how she expressed it. My husband and I would stare in amazement and say, “is this normal? Do babies do this?” Well, yes. Ours did. 

Her sister hasn’t even a whisper of this behavior.  She fusses for very specific reasons: she’s hungry, she’s hurt, she wants attention or she’s tired.  Other than that she is happy. She loves to coo and talk and observe.  She loves to give big open baby kisses and try to eat any of our body parts she happens to grab.  I am so curious how she’ll be as a toddler and what kind of stories she’ll tell us.

So, for me, having two is going very well.  Having a baby is a lot of work, no matter how “easy” the baby is, but I’ve discovered there are definitely easier baby temperaments and babies that require more patience and sacrifice from their parents. 

For all parents out there struggling with children that aren’t sleeping or are high needs, do all that you can to create consistency, boundaries, routines, give them endless love and then know that your doing the best you can and your child is just being who they need to be.  I can’t say one is better than the other.  Each child comes with her own gifts and challenges. Of course, it is easier now to have a baby who sleeps. If I was as sleep derived as before and trying to manage two high intensity children right now, this post might be very different, but I learned a lot from my first daughter and we shared many special, albeit sometimes delirious quiet moments in the dead of the night.  I might even miss some of that with my second, now that it is a distant memory.