My Dream

Cleaning up the dishes tonight, this phrase starting going through my head...She taught us. I was pleased with how my thrown together dinner had turned out.  Rich, nutritious, and quite good.  I started imagining what my daughter would say in the future about what she learned from her mother about cooking and food.   I started to imagine what else I hope my daughters learn from me, directly and indirectly.  What follows is not an exhaustive list, but what  I hope most for them, what I hold most dear. In writing it, it also helped me to clarify where I need to spend more time. It is a nice exercise, I recommend writing one of your own.


 What I hope my children will say about me when reflecting on my life:

She taught us to cook and eat nourishing and delicious food.
She taught us to eat when we were hungry, to respect our body and feed ourselves what we needed to carry us through our days.
She taught us that we are spiritual beings and to listen to our inside voice.
She taught us to love God, and that we are unconditionally loved.
She taught us to see our wrong, and to repent, and to move past our wrongdoing with an open heart.
She taught us we were beautiful, from our hearts.
She taught us to be outside, and to notice the natural world, to love and respect it.
She taught us to dance, and feel the joy of running, moving, feeling our bodies.
She taught us to share what we have, even when we don't want to, even when we'd rather have it all for ourselves.
She taught us love one another, that we are each others greatest gifts.
She taught us not to be afraid to try, and to fail, and to try again, this is how we learn.
She taught us to pray, with our lips and our hearts, in church, in the home, on the tops of mountains. To let prayer be love within our hearts, unceasing.
She taught us to ask questions and to seek the answer when none was given.
And above all, she taught us to be Kind, and to care for those who are not yet able to care for themselves.

A new dressing

Olive and Anchovy Salad Dressing



I recently developed some love for Anchovies and I bought a case of them on Amazon, and now I need to eat them.  So, I decided to whip up a new dressing as I've been overdoing it on my favorite dressing.  What you'll need:

1 small jar of Anchovies
a handful of Calamata olives
1 clove garlic
3 TBS of olive oil

Put it all together and blend. Vitamix makes it really smooth, but a  little texture would be nice too.

Easy, and ready to pour over your favorite salad. Our salad was just lettuce and it was great.  The baby loved sucking it off the lettuce.  Salty, deep and delicious.

Hot Chocolate (Vegan and Delicious)

I wanted to make a dairy free hot cocoa for my daughter and this is what I came up with:


2 cups Coconut milk
1/4 cup raw cacao powder
1 Tbs. honey
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. vanilla extract


The proportions are dependent on how much you want to make and what type of cocoa you are using, as well as how sweet you want it to be. I like to use raw cacao powder as it is high in magnesium, iron, zinc and fiber.   It is very strong so I normally only use half of what is recommended in recipes calling for unsweetened cocoa.  I make my own  coconut milk and prefer it to store bought as i haven't found a store bought version with a consistency I like or that doesn't have an after taste.    You can also easily make vanilla extract.

Heat the coconut milk over medium heat and add all ingredients stirring slowly.  Heat til hot but not boiling.  Serve warm. 

Sing to me

It is one of those mornings when I am trying to get out of the house and am running late and trying to remember everything. My youngest is finally contained in her carseat and crying, my oldest is bopping around doing everything except getting ready and what I ask of her.  I hear my voice get harsh, my throat get tight.  I try to remind myself in these moments that this is not a crisis. This is not what a crisis looks like at all and everything is ok.  I do not need to overreact and get upset. My oldest has started acting like this, like me, getting worked up about very small things and I actually do say to her, “this is ok, we are ok, I’ll help you, this is not a crisis.” And she replies, “Yes, it is a crisis!”

Oh boy.

Back to this morning.  Even though I’ve told myself, we are not in the middle of a crisis, I have yet to calm the panic I feel in needing to get out the door NOW.  As I’m moving around getting things together I ask my daughter one more time to come over to me so I can zip her jacket and I hear myself say, “Why is this so difficult? Why aren’t you listening to me. What can we do to make this work?"  She replies, “You need to sing to me”. 

Stillness. Everything stopped in that moment and I melted.  Of course, sing to her. That is how I envisioned my life as a mother pre-parenthood. I really wanted to have children and imagined our beautiful life together. Learning, cuddling, loving and yes, singing through our days.  That was the movie of motherhood I had in my mind.

I smiled and laughed, and hugged her and started singing about brushing her teeth (a hauntingly, beautiful tune actually) things flowed smoothly and we got out the door. A wise daughter.

I’d like to say I don’t end up in crisis mode over menial details or my voice doesn’t get harsh when I’d prefer to speak calmly and lovingly, because I am still working that out. However, this moment, was a big one for me and a big reminder that although reality is different than the movie versions I used to play in my mind of motherhood, I need to keep my visions alive. I need to remember that we are creating this life together, my children, husband and I.  In our daily adventure, I am the director, I set the stage and call the shots.  My direction gives the nuance and flow  to the action. My crisis, becomes their crisis.  One day at a time, one moment at a time, I am trying to calm down and enjoy.

Letter to a New Mom

Recently, I had the good fortune of spending an afternoon with a childhood friend. She and I had babies on the same day, a state apart. We were both over a week overdue and were induced within hours of each other, texting updates and sharing the joy of new motherhood.

She came to visit with her beautiful 4 month old baby and we got to catch up, swap stories and share a few hours together.  She is doing very well. She is a confident, loving, natural mother. She looks beautiful as always and seems genuinely happy in her new role.

Although we had babies on the same day, I was having my second child, and she was having her first.  Having a second child was completely different for me than being a new mother. The joy, amazement and love were the same, but I was different and so was my confidence as a mother.

I was planning on writing her an email after our visit. I wanted to tell her how great it was to connect and how much joy it brought me to see her so in love with her baby.  I also wanted to share a few thoughts with her regarding our discussion around being new mothers.

What struck me as well, was my feelings about seeing a friend I'd known since third grade, as a mother, holding her own child. I felt a depth of love, admiration, and a new connection, acknowledging the mystery we now both shared, seeing her in a new way and sharing a part of myself that had grown as well.  In my daily life, everyone I know has only known me as an adult, already a wife and mother. It is different spending time with a friend who knew me as a girl, who knew me as an athlete and a fumbling teenager and who saw my many heartaches through the years.  I felt a great love for her,  comfort in our shared memories, and a joy that we have been friends and although not in each others daily lives, that she has and continues to mean a great deal to me.

Dear K:

Thank you so much for making the trip down to see us. I know it was out of your way, and I was so happy to get to meet A and be giddy together about our birthday twin babies.  Your manner with him is so familiar and loving, I loved seeing you in this new way.

I wanted to say that I am so proud of you and that I know this new adventure can be hard; very hard, at times.  There are a few major adjustments that are taking place in your life and daily routine, marriage, relationship to yourself and relationship to your child. Not sleeping is a huge burden and sacrifice and at times it has often made me feel panicky.  It can cause resentment towards the baby, your husband and the non-child rearing world in general.

I wanted to say that children can be a great strain on marriage, and many will write about this burden and cite statistics that show the period of rearing young children can be the least satisfying season of marriage.  It certainly is harder than being a happily in love newly married couple.  Freedom to travel, go out, sleep in, be selfish, be romantic, and dote on each other is easily found pre-children.  The shift from being a childless fun couple to being new bleary eyed parents can be jarring. The roles are not equal.  The child rearing burden at this stage is much more on your shoulders, at least in a day to day, minute to minute way. I know your husband feels some of the larger and financial burden and over time as A gets older, you can share more of the day to day responsibilities as well.  What I've found is that although there can be resentments and frustrations towards one another, the growth that can occur in a marriage as you bond over parenthood is tremendous.  You get to know each other in a new way, you deepen your attachment and affection. Your fights can also get much bigger. If you do the work of communicating about these issues, if you focus on softening your heart and forgiving each other, if you take moments to hold hands and lock eyes after a difficult night, if you find humor in the tantrums, diapers and having to change the crib sheets three times in one night,  you will pull closer to one another and discover the silver lining of these years and the strength of what it means to be married. 

Being a stay at home mother, who has recently given up the work world, and who is adjusting to having a baby, no sleep and negotiating a new sense of self, and a new dynamic with friends and former co-workers also brings a whole new set of challenges and adjustments.  You've gone from being a fairly autonomous woman, to being a pregnant woman which is a special state in and of itself, to being completely relied upon to support a small life and feeling the responsibility it brings.  All of this is a little surreal and can bring up a lot of questions about who you are and what has happened in your life and you will find you don't really have time to think the answers through or your brain is too tired to sort any of the feelings out, at least this was my experience in the early days.  I always knew that I wanted to stay home with my children and I am so thankful that I have the opportunity.  Even so, I paused work and professional development that I loved and started developing another aspect of my identity and that has taken time to settle into and wrap my head around.  Give yourself time to find a rhythm and a balance. Carve out time to take care of yourself and you will find more energy to take care of your family.

The biggest and most wonderful change, is that you have a baby!  He is so precious and sweet, a great mix of the two of you. I know he will bring you so much joy, and heartache as well.  I still look at my girls and marvel that we made them, that they exist, that we've kept them safe and alive.  It is awe inspiring, wonderful and terrifying all at once. They are like little buddies that I spend my day with, that know me so intimately, and yet know so little about my life and my thoughts.  The relationship with your child will teach you so much about yourself and your heart and abilities will stretch as both of you grow and get older.  I initially thought that she was an extension of me, a special baby all my own. Yes, this was partially the case, but truly she is her own. Our children have  mind and spirits all their own.  He will amaze you as you get to learn more and more about the person inside his little body.

I am sharing all this with you, because I think we (as women and mothers) need to share and support one another in this transition.  It is wonderful, and it is very, very hard.  My sense is that the transition is different than in generations past.  We are part of a generation of women who were expected to grow up and be educated and have careers.  Our identities and paths have shifted from finishing basic education, becoming a wife and then a mother and homemaker to independent educated women with careers, who become wives, and mothers who are fortunate enough to choose to work or stay home.  We have much more freedom than our fore mothers and this is both wonderful and complicated as we navigate fulfilling traditional roles in a society that has drifted away from traditional ways.

All of this is to say, I know what you are going through, the wonderful and the difficult, and I am here to share and talk.  It also helps me to be able to write and clarify my own feelings and thoughts, as I have been on this journey for three years now and definitely feel much more settled and clear than I did in the beginning, but, I too, am still finding my way.  Thank you again for your visit, and friendship.

Love,

S

Lentil and Kale Soup (Vegan or with Sausage) and Forgiveness Cooking

I practice  forgiveness cooking. I don't know if this is what anyone else calls it, but it means I rarely follow recipes, don't measure and discover as I go along. I normally think about what ingredients I have and what I want to make and plan the steps while I am driving or nursing a baby to sleep and then try it when it's time to cook.  So, a lot of my recipes are recreated with amounts that I remember using and most things can be altered to the cook's taste and what is on hand.

Lentil and Kale Soup

I love this soup and find it especially delicious with sausage, but it can easily be made without. When I was planning the recipe I planned to make it on a Friday and then add sausage to the leftovers to eat on Sunday.


1 bunch kale (stems removed and chopped)
1 medium onion, chopped
1-2 clove garlic minced
1 tsp olive oil
4 cups water, veg. broth or chicken broth
2 cups dry (any kind you have-french/beluga/mixed lentils*)
4 potatoes cute in cubes-skin on if organic  (optional)
salt
pepper
fresh grated Parmesan cheese
1-2 lbs sausage skin removed (chicken, pork, spicy, garlic and herb---whatever your preference)


In a heavy skillet cook sausage meat until cooked through 15 or so minutes, set aside.  While sausage is cooking, saute onion in olive oil in a large dutch oven for 5-7 minutes until translucent, add garlic and saute for 3-5 minutes. Next add rinsed lentils and potatoes. Cook for 5-10 minutes before adding broth.  Bring to a boil. Once boiling, reduce heat and cover, allowing lentils to cook for 25-30 minutes. Next add the kale and sausage (if including).  Cover and allow to cook 15-20 more minutes until the kale is tender.  Feel free to add more water/broth if you prefer a more liquid soup.  season with salt and pepper.  Serve in bowls topped with a drizzle of olive oil or grated cheese and fresh bread with butter.


*ideally soaked overnight in water and a Tbs. cider vinegar, drained and rinsed

We paired it with Trader Joe's Zinfandel, a new wine we really enjoyed.

Lentil and Kale Soup, shown with sausage and potatoes. Yes, I know I need to remember to take more and better photos!

The Evolving Meal or Roast Chicken and Turnip Soup

One of my favorite and easiest meals is roast chicken*.  I put the chicken in with herbs and potatoes and let it cook to juicy goodness.  Sometimes I cook it all in the slow cooker if I have a busy evening or if I want very soft meat to use in quesadillas or chicken salad later in the week.  This week, my husband was coming down with a cold and I wanted to make a nourishing soup to keep us all healthy.  The soup could be adjusted to your own tastes and ingredients. I used what I had in the fridge and the result was excellent.

The recipes:

Roast Chicken with Potatoes and Onions

1 whole chicken
chicken giblets
3 or more whole  cloves of garlic to taste
1-3 sliced onions (varietal your choice)
4 or more diced potatoes (depending on size)
parmesean cheese
rosemary
pepper
thyme
lemon juice from one fresh lemon, zest as well if you like a lemony flavor

Preheat oven to 385 degrees. Place the chicken in a 9x12 pan, or dutch oven, or roaster...whatever you have. Sprinkle the chicken with pepper, lemon juice/zest, herbs and parmesean cheese.  Arrange the potatoes, giblets, onions and garlic around the chicken. I like to stuff some onions inside the chicken as well.  Place in heated over and cook uncovered for 2 hours or as appropriate for you size bird.  Meat thermometer should read 180 when done or the legs should pull off with ease.  1-2 time during cooking stir the potatoes and baste everything with the drippings from the chicken.  Serve with salad and bread. We've been on a big sour cream kick and add a dollop to the potatoes.  The garlic will be tender and sweet and perfect for spreading on bread.

Step 2:

Once the chicken has cooled remove all the meat and place aside for storage with all remaining vegetables.  You can choose to add drippings to this or just add to broth.  The chicken carcass, skin and any uneaten giblets can be placed in a slow cooker and covered with water. Depending on the size of you slow cooker start with 5 cups.  Cook for 15-35 hours on low.  Feel free to add any vegetable scraps, carrot tops, onion skins, bay leaves or peppercorns if you are so inclined.  Water may need to be added depending on how long you cook the broth.  

When the broth is finished (you can make perpetual broth  for a up to a week or you can choose to use it after a day) strain the solids and discard.  Set aside the remaining broth for your soup. 

Roast Chicken and Turnip Soup

1 sliced leek
2 minced garlic cloves
chicken meat
1 bunch kale
2 peeled and sliced kholrabi
3 peeled and sliced sweet turnips
1- 2 inch chunk of fresh ginger grated
3 cups chicken bone broth
2 tablespoons nutritional yeast
1 tablespoon kelp powder 
salt and pepper to taste
1 tbs olive oil

In a large dutch oven saute leeks in olive oil for 5-7 minutes over medium heat. Add the garlic and saute for 3-5 more minutes.  Add the ginger, turnips, kohlrabi and anything else you want to add such as carrots, celery or potatoes. Saute for 5-7 minutes.  Add the chicken meat and broth.Add nutritional yeast (flavor and B vitamins) and kelp powder (for iodine).  Simmer everything for 25-30 minutes. Add salt and pepper to taste.  Serve warm.    







* As much as possible I use all organic ingredients and pastured meat, chicken, eggs and dairy products.